I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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