If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
