The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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