there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
