he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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