got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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