I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
the raccoons are back...
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