Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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