Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
