I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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