Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
