I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
