i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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