He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
