My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
