He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
