Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize