Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
