i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Less talking, more tequila
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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