Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
