I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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