i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
