My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
