Porn is love you can see.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
