Can i not drive my cunt home
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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