So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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