Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i think i have two assholes
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
