I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
