That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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