see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
