there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
