Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
