So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
