plz talk dirty to me
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize