I'm eating all of the evidence.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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