The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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