You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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