I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
