It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
