How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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