I need to stop coming to work sober
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
