I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
