The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
