I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
