I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
