Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
