So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
