At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
