nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
