We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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