I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
