my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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