It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
