dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
