Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
