i need an iv and a liver transplant
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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