there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
This house was built for laser tag.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
