Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
