if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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