he shaved USA in his pubs
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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