I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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