Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
