I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
