dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
PANTIES FOUND
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
