Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
