I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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