So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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