the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
