my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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