Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
